Last month, smooshed in one of those crazy days between Thanksgiving and Christmas I lost my baby boy.
I lost him the week I was finishing my Whole30 Coaching Certification, the week before my Whole30 Recipes takeover, the week of finals, the week everything changed.
During that week, all of those things seemed so inconsequential when compared to the first thing – I lost my baby at 13 weeks and 6 days. I couldn’t get off the couch. The physical pain of a D&C, and the emotional pain was so intense I didn’t think I’d ever be okay again. I couldn’t get off the couch, but I was supposed to take finals and be in front of a million Whole30’ers and smile and be happy and get A’s and go to a 1st birthday party to a boy who’s my godson, and a holiday party with pregnant women in attendance, and Christmas, and and and and and.
“We’ll keep you here for a bit to make sure the bleeding isn’t too bad,” my doctor told me, as she cupped my face. I was still lying on my back, tears that started silently an hour prior had turned to an uncontrollable sob. I got up as she stepped out of the room to give me privacy to get dressed.
I realized as I stood up how much pain I was in from being dilated and cramping, tried to remember how to put my clothes back on and sat back down. I sat there trying to grapple with the thought that I was pregnant.. and now I’m not. I was hollow and empty. I sat there long enough crying that someone, I have no idea who, knocked and asked if I was okay.
I said nothing. Am I okay? Will I ever be okay again? I got up and followed her out of the room, and to a “recovery room” and they went and got my boyfriend. God I would have hated to be him that day. As I looked at him looking at me crying, I could tell how much pain he was in too. Knowing there’s nothing he could do to take away my pain made him feel even worse.
He looked physically sick with grief, and I’m sure the pair of us were quite the site to see. I’ve never loved that man more in my whole life. If there was a way I could have anticipated my needs ahead of time, or a way I could have asked someone to give me exactly what I need, to be exactly what I need, he would have done it. But he didn’t have to – he already did everything and was everything I needed without me knowing what that was.
I don’t quite know how to explain Justin to people. He’s just… Justin. My best friend. I’m my true self with him and no one knows the depths of me like him. That day he saw me unlike anyone ever has. With such guilt, grief, shame, pain, and such sadness. Red faced, grimaced in pain when I moved, with a continual stream of tears- my pain clearly visible over my face. And he knew what to do for me. I am grateful.
I mention all of those emotions, but what is the hardest is the guilt and the grief. Guilt because part of me was relieved it happened. A baby wasn’t in the plan. Like, anywhere in it. I wasn’t even sure this was what I wanted but then after those thoughts came the ones that made me feel even more guilty because so many people try for years and mine happened on accident and now part of me is relieved it’s gone. And then more guilt followed those thoughts when I shamed myself for feeling that way because I’m also devastated about the loss.
Thoughts of Justin being a dad, our families raising this little boy, Justin and I’s little boy… our little boy would send me instantly into violent sobs. How can I be both so overwhelmed with the deepness of this grief I felt over never being this baby boy’s mom, but also be relieved I won’t be at the same time? I hated myself for it. I still kind of do.
I didn’t know how life would go on. And, for a while, it didn’t. I did the things I “had to” every day. I barely made it though the Whole30 recipes takeover. I faked it. I put on a happy face when I needed to. I’ve avoided putting my face on the camera at all costs. I avoided my family and friends. I didn’t know how to tell anyone, so I pressured myself to make it appear that everything was just groovy over here. When it wasn’t. I was dying.
At least, I felt like I was. I didn’t know how to see anyone. So I didn’t. I buried myself in blog stuff to keep busy. I wrote an eBook. I churned out enough recipes to get me through a few months and gave them away to my elderly neighbor. Merry Christmas, Jo. I didn’t know how to deal.
It was a lot of ups and downs in a very short amount of time. From finding out I was pregnant, to being pregnant, to not being pregnant, it was just… hard. It’s an emotional rollercoaster I hope I never have to get on ever again. I never thought in a million years I’d have gone though it in the first place (because, I’ve been just fine the last however many years, and the pill is like 99.9% effective, so you’ll be fine, said DR. CRANE *eyeroll*, and I’ve now gotten an IUD so this doesn’t happen again)
People told me time will make it better. They told me my hormones will be all over the place for the next 8 weeks. They were right. But I still hurt. I’m still messed up. I still blame myself. I still wonder what would have happened. I still don’t go into the room painted as a nursery that we always meant to repaint when we bought this house but never got around to. I still avoid the baby clothes section at Target. I don’t know how to be a mom, and I also don’t know how to not want to be now either.
There’s not some big inspirational message here. Really. I don’t have a ton of positive things to say on the subject yet. I don’t really even have a very cohesive thought on it either. I’m mostly scared to openly share this. I’m scared of what you’ll think. I’m scared of not being at my thinnest after this fall. I’m scared of feeling pressured. I’m scared of you thinking horrible things about me. I’m afraid to let you down. I’m afraid you’ll be annoyed I’m not just giving you a recipe. I’ve just already piled so much of this onto myself, any more of it would just be too much.
The few things I can see that were “good” takeaways:
I quit my job. I immediately felt like I started seeing things from different eyeballs. Screw not being happy. Screw not doing what you want to do in a way that makes you feel purpose and joy. Screw tolerating something that drains the life out of you, stresses you out, and makes you feel small and insignificant. Life is short. Life is hard enough already.
I quit a job I wasn’t happy at anymore to give my dream job my best shot. Justin, to the rescue again, assured me that jobs will always be there. My dreams can come first sometimes. Not that I needed his approval, but damn does it feel good to have someone who gives me wings to fly but a home to come back to. BLESS HIM. Now I wake up every single day, and even in light of what happened to me, I feel like I wake up in the best dream ever. Because I have the best job ever. I love my life and it’s feeling okay, and feeling honest, to say that again.
The funny thing is, since this happened, countless other incredible things has happened to me both in my life and my business. Sometimes I can’t even believe so many great days followed one of the worst. I think the good things were meant to be to help me find new inspiration and a new drive to continue on. It worked. I’m more inspired than ever.
I’m REALLY glad I won’t be going into labor anytime soon. Even being halfway dilated was horrible and the most extreme physical pain I’ve ever felt. I can wait on that. (This was a lighthearted joke, no rude comments, OK?)
Life looks a lot different than it did before this. I’m trying to find a new routine, a new normal and a new center. I felt like this was the push I needed to start prioritizing the things I really love in life, and about my life. And it maybe strengthened my resolve and confidence to be able to shout it from a rooftop instead of shying away from it.
The one thing I don’t like to do when life hands me heavy hands is to drown with them because I’m clinging on so tightly. I’d rather just let it go. I do it with people and things and opinions and mindsets. It’s easier to let it go, or find a way to use it to serve you or serve others. Just as growing up obese wasn’t something I wished for at the time, now, I can see how dealing with my residual anger and being freed to speak openly about it has helped me and others like me. As much as I wish this didn’t happen, I also know some day I might know why it did.
Love you. Thanks for being here.
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Kelsey McMunn says
I’m so sorry for your loss, Bailey. I’m praying for you. Thank you for being so honest and open.
paleobailey says
Thank you, Kelsey. That means the world to me. <3
Lisa says
My heart hurts for you that you had to go through all of this! I really appreciate your blog and love how you don’t just share recipes (although I have really loved all the ones I’ve tried!). I’ve found your story inspiring since it was featured on the whole30 website. Thanks for all you do to help others find health and happiness!
paleobailey says
This is such a kind compliment and message. Thank you so much for your support <3
Maria says
I am so so sorry. I’ve had miscarriages and it’s hell. Feel your guilt and your pain and your love and your confusion. All of them are the right way to feel. It will hurt less af some point, but is always going to be a tiny part of you and that’s okay too. I’m sorry you had to join this miserable club but know there are a lot of us out here with you. It effing sucks and I am so sorry you had to go through this. I’m sending extra vibes in your direction from Cincinnati.
paleobailey says
I’m so sorry you’ve experienced loss as well. It’s so incredibly painful and I wouldn’t wish it on anyone. Thank you for letting me know it’s okay and if I have to be in the club, I’m glad to be in it with kind women like you.
Alyssa says
I lost my first baby two years ago. We had been trying for a year and I was on fertility meds. I had a “missed” miscarriage and although my baby likely died around 5 weeks, I didn’t actually miscarry until almost 12 weeks. I decided to go through the natural process and it was easily the worst experience of my life. I was so defeated and couldn’t hear one more person tell me our time would come to have a healthy baby. Me wanting and hoping and praying for a baby doesn’t make my grief greater than yours and it doesn’t make my loss harder than yours. Loss is loss and you suffered an incredible loss, whether you were “ready” or not. The guilty thoughts you’re having are normal and are part of the reason that I wish more women discussed their losses. Thanks for being transparent. You’ll never forget that baby, but time does make things a bit easier.
Jill says
Thank you for this brave and honest post. Praying for healing for your hearts. I’m so sorry for your loss.
paleobailey says
Thank you so much, Jill. I appreciate your kindness <3
Brittany says
A lot of it gets better. Some of it never does, but it’s important to remember that YOU will be ok. You just will. Take care.
paleobailey says
Thank you, Brittany. This means so much to me and I know I will be… soon. Thank you <3
Robbyn (robbyngetsfit) says
So sorry that you had to go through something like this. But I absolutely understand the catalyst that it has become for you. We often learn who we are and what we are made of in our darkest of times. And I am happy you have that silver lining right now. ❤️
Sara says
My heart hurts for your family’s loss, Bailey. I’m so sorry. I’m thinking of you.
Whitney says
My heart broke for you while reading this. I’ve also endured two lost pregnancies, timed right before the holidays. You are amazing for being honest with your emotions… give yourself a break & treat yourself the way that you would your best friend. No one Chas to understand your feelings, not even you really… just feel them & let them go. Take care. ???
Ruthie says
This is incredible. I can’t help but get emotional and upset reading this as I’m sure most people are. I’m just blown away by your ability to be real and put yourself out there in a way that lifts others up even in heartbreak. It’s not a gift I have. I know you took some time to share, but DAMN this JUST happened. And you have given so much of yourself to others (Team Paleo Bailey here!) in that time without us knowing and without us being sensitive to your pain. Thank you for sharing this. Like so much else that you share, this will truly help others (and hopefully was healing to write).
Cricket says
I am so very sorry for your loss. Praying for both of you. ??
paleobailey says
Thank you so much <3
Lisa says
I’m so sorry for your loss. I think you are an inspiration. Don’t ever forget that. ❤️
Kerry says
There really aren’t words. I had my first miscarriage after 4 perfectly fine pregnancies. A “surprise” in my 40th year. Similar feelings, as in did I make this happen because I didn’t want it. We all know that’s not true of course. But the pain associated with it was so very unexpected. I’m so sorry for your loss. There really Aren’t words that make one feel better. It sucks. It sucks very very bad. But you/we have no choice but to soldier on. I’m impressed with you for sharing something so intimate. Sending much love your way.
Janice O'Kane says
Oh Bailey, I am so, so sorry. Your honesty and vulnerability are priceless. Somehow we do manage to come out on the other side of effed up situations in our lives. I have no words of wisdom to share, but am sending you love, covering you, Justin and your baby boy in prayer.
Amy Peters says
You have an amazing gift for writing. I lost 2 babies, and you said things that I didn’t even know I felt until I read that. I am wishing healing peace for you. You will get through these long winter days. Spring is coming. Giving yourself the time and space to heal is so important. As painful as it is, you just have to feel it. Thank you for your open, teaching, presence.
McKenzie says
I’m so sorry. I’ve been there too. After it happened so many friends and family shared their story of loss too making me realize It happens more than anyone is talking about. Love and support from California, Bailey.
Xoxo McKenzie
Alissa says
Sending love Bailey! Sometimes it’s hard to believe everything happens for a reason, but it does. You’re so much stronger than you know ?
Nicole says
I’m so sorry for the loss you and Justin are going through. You’re incredibly brave for sharing and I’m positive your post will help so many.
Kalin says
Bailey – I’m so sorry for your loss. As a fellow Minnesotan I’ve loved following your journey (thanks for sharing the BOGO kielbasa deal at L&B, I bought like five) and reading this tore me apart. You are always so honest and open and I love that about you and your blog. I know words won’t heal but I’m proud of you for being honest and I wish I could help in some way. Sending you love, strength and puppy kisses your way.
Jessica says
As someone who has never had to experience this, I find the way you have handled this situation awe-inspiring. The situations we can be forced to deal with as women can be the some of the most difficult in the world. I’m so sorry you had to go through that. I am currently facing a lot of life changes, and your message about the future really resonates: screw not being happy. In the face of adversity, you’ve pushed forward and made hard, hard decisions that are going to make you happier. Be proud of yourself. You’re a gem and deserve happiness always, and you’re taking the steps to get there. Thank you for the inspiration.
Kami says
Oh my gosh. I am floored. Even though everyone says it and I remind myself all the time that “instagram is just a highlights reel” and “these bloggers with thousands of followers are just regular people” it is still shocking sometimes to get a glimpse of REAL LIFE. Of course you’re a real person with a real life, and of course you don’t want to share all of your thoughts and emotions on your blog, but I am grateful that you shared this, because it is a good reminder that EVERYONE has stuff in their life that’s devastating/difficult/confusing/exhausting and EVERYONE needs comfort and support and EVERYONE has things that are going on behind the scenes. Thank you for sharing, and know that the followers of your blog who have grown to care for you through this medium continue to care for you, even when you’re not posting recipes and looking your thinnest. We’re here because you’re a human. And humans have tough experiences and need time to heal and space to process. I’m cheering for you, Bailey.
Mellie says
I’m so sorry for your loss. I’ve experienced 2 miscarriages…the first was my very first pregnancy. The second was between my 2nd and 3rd born sons. It’s such a horrible thing to experience. My second one was especially hard on me. I had to unfollow friends on facebook that were pregnant, avoid baby aisles, and I spent a lot of time feeling very down. Allow yourself to grieve. There is no wrong way to feel or act after a miscarriage, and no one should ever tell you what to feel. Many people don’t understand how difficult a miscarriage is, and because of that, may have expectations of you or say things that hurt. Everything you’re feeling is normal. It might not feel like it in the beginning, but it will get better. You’re in my prayers.
Mona says
I am so sorry for your loss. I also had a miscarriage between my two children and planned or unplanned pregnancy, it is still a loss and it still hurts. Sending hugs your way.
Whitney says
Congratulations on your fresh start to your dream! I’m very sorry for your loss and your honest post is warming. I too know how you felt and have felt very similar. You will get stronger, but you will never forget. It will make you more appreciative for what you have. Lots of hugs your way. Your amazing!
Niki says
Thank for having the courage to share a very personal and painful experience. I know that this will be a source of comfort to others who have also lost a baby. In your writing, you have an authentic voice in this woldwide web of lots of noise and BS. Keep using it Bailey! God bless you as you continue to heal!
Maria says
I’m sorry for your loss. No one can judge you for your feelings. They are yours. Hopefully you find yourself feeling at peace and without any guilt. Your thoughts or hesition had nothing to do with your loss. Sending prayers your way.
Laura says
Just wanted to send you a hug! ❤️
Kathryn says
My heart hurts for you. This was so brave of you to share. So honest, beautifully written and undoubtedly resonates with so many women who need to know they aren’t alone!! Thank you! Praying for you!
Katie says
Oh Bailey I’m so so sorry you’ve been going through this. Giving you a big virtual hug! Thank you for sharing such a raw and honest post with us – I’ll always take one of these over a recipe any day (though I love those too!). Glad to be along for the ride as a reader, ups and downs and all.
Annie D says
Thank you for sharing this part of you with us. I’m so sorry you had to experience this. You are one of the most courageous people I know. (except don’t really know, but I know you’re this cool blogger in my phone and that counts!) You are incredibly talented, spirited, and inspiring, and I can’t wait to see what you create next. Love and light to you as always!
Tasha says
So sorry you lost your baby. Prayers that you feel comforted, strengthened and that the aches will be filled.
xoxo
Nina says
Oh Bailey. My heart aches for you. But also cheers you on. You’re wonderful. I know you struggled that week you did a Whole30 Instagram takeover. But even so, your takeover was one of the most inspiring I’ve seen and it helped inspire me. I stand in awe of your strength in the face of grief and pain and your ability to inspire others at the same time.
Much love to you and Justin.
Katie G says
Oh my gosh, Bailey! I’m so sorry for your loss. I want to give you the biggest hug right now. I really appreciate that you put your heart into this post (just like all your posts). You’re a great example and inspiration for being real, honest, and open.
Being in your January Whole30 group has been an amazing experience for me. Thank you for all you’ve done for us!
Brenda says
I’m sorry for your loss Bailey. I think it takes a lot to share such an emotional and often private moment of your life, you’re a brave and amazing soul. I’m sending you healing happy vibes.
Brie says
Trying to find something uplifting to say while crying-oomph.
Thank you for writing this. Miscarriages seem to be something that no one ever wants to talk about, but it’s important for people to know that they can. It is a trauma that no one should ever have to go through alone whether parenthood was planned or a surprise. I’m so glad that you have a wonderful man to be by your side.
And I’m so happy that positive things are happening in the midst of your grief.
Keep going, girl. And when you feel upset- let it all out on anyone who lifts you up.
Christina Campbell says
So sorry for your loss and I’ll be praying for peace, you are already handling it with grace. There is no right way to grieve or handle these situations. So amazed at how you have taken the experience and turned it into something to learn and evolve from. You are such an inspiration and I love your honesty in your journey. Keep doing your thing girl!
Meghan says
So sorry to read of your loss! Thanks for being vulnerable. This took a lot of guts. You go girl. Prayers for healing and peace.
Kris says
Wow! I feel like this was me writing this blog. It was exactly what I needed. I was surprised to find out I was pregnant in November, then found out at an ultrasound there was no heartbeat and had a d & c at 11 weeks. ALL of those emotions you expressed are me. I saw my husband of 8 years in a whole different and amazing way. I struggle with guilt and sadness and it confuses the crap out of me. Thank you thank you thank you for sharing this. I’m sorry you had To go through all that. I keep telling myself it made me stronger….
Krista says
What a beautifully, heartbreaking truth you’ve spoken. Please never feel ashamed for feeling complex emotions. We do ourselves a disservice when we try to convince ourselves that we are only allowed to feel one way about things. Thank you for being brave enough to put words to something so many experience.
Christiana says
❤️❤️❤️ sending love
Amy N says
Adding my voice to the chorus – thank you for being honest and open and real. I’m so very sorry for your pain, and very thankful you have Justin to lean on. Sending thoughts of peace and healing to you both.
Gretchen says
Thanks for sharing, Bailey. Be gentle with yourself and take care.
Amanda says
I’m so sorry for your loss. Thank you for bringing light to such a personal and painful issue.
Kelly says
Don’t feel bad about conflicted emotions. Let the emotions be and you’ll move through them. Being a mom is incredible but it’s ok to not be ready at the same time too. There’s time. Give yourself time to heal.
Emelia says
Bailey, you are such a sweet and open hearted person. You have strength you don’t even know about yet. I too lost a baby I was not ready to have. Then I lost 2 that I wanted dearly. Each time I was shattered. I now have brought 2 beautiful kids into the world, but I won’t ever forget losing the others. That said, they have now just become part of my story. I don’t feel grief, I shed my tears. They have become a part of who I am today by being part of my story and allowing me to grow as a person. Your baby will always be a part of your story and in time you will see what he taught you while he was with you. Praying for you ❤
Theresa says
I am so incredibly sorry for your loss.
Aspen says
My favorite parts of this post were when you described your guilt and when you listed the reasons you were afraid to put all this out there. In both you demonstrated such courage. I don’t think you realize how much you do for people. Most people can’t even put into words the conflict and fear they feel. You seem to see truth so clearly. And these complex emotions are hard to experience, but yet you do it with such honesty. I know you’re changing lives with your voice. Because of how you went about sharing your fears, for example, I have already decided to do that soon in my own circle. And I know i’ll be better for it. It’s so weird, it’s like, when we see someone else do better, we can do better. Thank you for your courage and the grace with which you navigate through life. And thank you, thank you for being willing to share it. I may not know you, but somehow I’m sure you’d be the best mom. You’re mothering already.
Candice says
I am so sorry that you had to go through that whirlwind, during an already tough time of year. Your writing is so beautiful and captures the essence of every angle and situation you’re in. Thank you so much for sharing, as always. <3
Sharon says
Oh no, so sorry to read of your miscarriage. I can completely understand the roller coaster of emotions you described.
I hope you are healing physically and emotionally. And good luck with the new job!
Melissa says
I am so sorry for your loss. I’ve had two miscarriages myself, so i know what you are going through. Stay strong?
Jana says
Oh Bailey, I’m so sorry. My heart just breaks for you. You are so amazing and brave and wonderful and giving of yourself to share your story. I hope the sharing of it helped heal a little bit. I will pray for you and Justin. Thank you for being you.
Kelsie says
Bailey, you have been in my thoughts and prayers since I first read this post. Give yourself as much grace as you need – this is a difficult season. You are an amazing woman.
Megan says
Love and hugs to you and Justin. Thank you for sharing your story – the good, the bad and the ugly!
I don’t just follow you for your recipes (although they are bomb) and I love hearing updates on what’s happening outside the kitchen, so thank you for allowing someone on the other side of the world (Australia) to join you in your lounge room.
You are thoughtful, gracious, kind, caring and strong (to name a few!) – Never be afraid of how we will react or feel about you and what you are going through, because your true followers are here because of all of you not just a part of you.
XOXOXOXOXO
Carrie says
Bailey,
I just started following your blog and I’m so glad I did. I really like your writing style and I love all your crock pot and instant pot recipes. And now I appreciate your heart and openness with your current struggles too. I probably can’t say anything wise or new that someone else hasn’t said already but just know even though I don’t know you I am thinking of you and praying for you. I had a miscarriage as well so I understand the pain of that loss. It’s hard. I will pray for God’s peace for your life and his grace in dealing with the loss. I will also pray he helps your heart heal and brings you inexplicable joy and a silver lining- it sounds like maybe he already is.
And in the meantime, don’t ever underestimate how you bless others. Blogging is an interesting platform.. you never know how many people read your words or go to bed thinking about you at night, or how you’ve helped others, but you are meaningful to so many people. Just look at all these supportive comments you’re receiving! We are all standing with you. I hope you print some of these out and tape them to your walls for the hard days to come. I googled “paleo potato soup” a couple weeks ago and your blog popped up. Now I have a go to recipe for that soup after all these years of not having one and I shared your blog with a friend as well. Thank you for what you’ve done for me already. I will pray God satisfies every need in your heart. <3
Philippians 4:19 And my God will supply every need of yours according to his riches in glory in Christ Jesus.
Erinn says
So much love to you Bailey ❤️❤️ So sorry for your loss. I know all the feels very well.
Thankyou for writing such a brave, honest and beautiful post xx
paleobailey says
Thank you so much for your kind words and your support <3
Leah says
Something you mentioned recently on Instagram stories made me think about my miscarriage that I had 9 years ago. Even though time has passed and now I have 3 kids, I still think of the baby I lost. Not as frequently as before, but (in my experience) it’s something that stays with you and becomes a part of you. I try to acknowledge the pain, the loss, the guilt when it comes up over these past years and not suppress them like I did at the beginning. I guess what I really want to say to you and anyone else who recently went through a miscarriage, that it’s okay to have all the feelings and to not expect them to totally go away. They can deepen your empathy and adds to your inner strength as a woman. I know this is easier said then done because I did a horrible job acknowledging my pain and loss. So anyway, don’t get down on yourself if you still have moments of sadness in the years to come.
Deanne says
You said you never got to be a mom and that you don’t know how to be one. Honour that you were for 13 weeks and 6 days. You were a mom. You were willing to make the ultimate change for your little man. Kids teach adults amazing things every day. Isn’t it incredible? Enjoy the changes you’ve made and your relationship more cemented by this shared grief. You are willing and you are able❤️